All right, I got a little drunk last night and I’m a little wobbly right now. My ass hurts – goddamn Steve I’ll bet – and I don’t remember a lot, so this may not be the best time to start a blog, but what the shit, here goes.
This is my friend Beretta. She likes pain.
First off, I have a lot of girlfriends who do porn. They’re nice girls who make a good living and have cats and stuff so don’t give them any shit. Anyway, that’s how I pay for this blog and all my fancy stuff I have like a toaster oven. So when you see a link, it’s porn and you should click it and buy something so I get some money. If you don’t like porn, go fuck yourself because that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
You don’t know me, but I’ll give you a little background. I’m 27, tall, with long auburn hair (at least it is this week). The carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but people tell me I’m smokin’ hot and I believe them. I’ve had boyfriends, LOTS of them. Sometimes they only last a night, sometimes I can hang with them for a couple of years, but inevitably they fuck up and lose the best piece of ass they ever had or ever will have.
I’ve got lots of friends and we’re into some kinky shit sometimes, but really I’m an All-American girl. I grew up in northeastern Ohio, rooting for the Browns and Indians, so I know heartbreak. Don’t talk to me about the fucking Drive or the equally fucked fumble. But we’ll win someday and then I can stick it straight up all my Patriot friends’ asses. Anyway, I’ll let you meet some of my friends, maybe later in this post. First off, you’re probably trying to figure out how to get a girl of your own. Maybe you’ve loved and lost, maybe you’ve never loved at all, but I’ll share a few tips with you and maybe bust a few myths at the same time.
- Don’t believe all the bullshit you hear. Girls do not like guys who are pricks. They like pricks, just not guys who are pricks. If you are a prick or a dick or just a fucking jerk, keep walking pal. Girls like nice guys who pay attention and aren’t always trying to make up for their penal shortcomings.
- If you want a girl, you have to act like you want her. Walk up to her and say “Hi, Violet. My name’s Mark. I think you’re nice and would like to go out with you. How about dinner this weekend?” Now if her name is April and your name is Stan, I hope you are smart enough to make the switch. If not, please stop reading now and just head to a whore house, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
- Do not, I repeat, do not try to think up clever lines. You are not Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock. For that matter, you probably aren’t Chris Seinfeld or Jerry Rock. Just be nice, pay a compliment, and see what happens.
- Girls are not a cure for cancer. If one rejects you, you absolutely will not die. Unless she shoots you, which seems extreme to me. There is no reason to be nervous. If you’ve never dated this girl, you cannot be in love with her, so it will not break your heart if she says no. There are lots and lots of girls. Go ask one out. If she says no, move on.
- Do not come on too strong. There are many ways to come on too strong. Saying “I love you” when you first meet is too strong. Saying “I’d like to fuck you” is also too strong, plus obnoxious. Be cool Fonzie. Just make conversation about chess or scuba diving or how your father used to put his hand down your pants…um, maybe skip that last one.
- Take a fucking hygiene check. Do flowers wilt as you walk by? Does your breath create a “no burn day” in your little city? Is your mode of transportation powered by your stinky ass farts? Buy some deodorant and some soap and use a little mouthwash. Bad smells are not cool dude. I’ve had my tongue in some girls nasty places and it was still better than some of the guys I’ve kissed.
- Make sure you’re in the right decade. Are you 30 years old and still wearing your baseball cap backwards and your pants are down around your knees? Nothing screams loser like the man who never grows up. Grow a pair, hitch up your belt and turn your fucking cap around you grease monkey!
- Don’t be needy, but don’t ignore her. If you actually get up the huevos to talk to a pretty girl and she gives you her phone number, there is a fine line between being Forrest Gump and Vinny the Italian Stallion. Do not run home and call her that night. DO call her within the next couple of days. Maybe she gave you a fake number, but you’ll never know unless you press those digits. Ha! I said digits. Talk about living in the wrong decade.
- Don’t badmouth the ex. Assuming you have an ex. If you don’t, more the better. Girls don’t want to hear about your other girlfriend. Talk about US. Isn’t my hair nice, don’t I smell nice, aren’t my tits humongous? That type of thing, you know, sweet talk.
- Just do it baby. All they can do is say no, and then what do we do? Just like Fonzie, be cool and move on to the next one. It will work. Trust me.
Well, I feel like puking and I’m out of things to say anyway. Click on this link here will you and go buy some shit so I can pay for this website. It’s probably porn, some girl getting ass-fucked or some shit like that. If you don’t like that sort of shit, well, I guess there’s no accounting for taste, but I guess you shouldn’t click it. Maybe go to Mormon.org and sign up there. Taste you later.