Need a little sex advice?

You have come to the right place for sex advice. Believe it or not, I was just like you at one time; lonely, horny, acne all over, perpetual boner.  Wait, no boner, just horny. I know how you feel.  It may be hard now that I am one of the world’s most asked for dominatrices (SAY MY NAME BITCH), but it’s true. All you need is a little self confidence, some smooth patter and if that doesn’t work the name of a good escort service (see escort link above) and you too will be getting that Peter wet tonight.

A couple of things to remember:

1. The frozen snowball theory. While all this seems like the end of the world to you now, remember that in 40 billion years the earth will be a frozen snowball and none of this will mean shit.  Depressing, but true.
2. Girls shit out their butthole just like you do.  I’m sure you’ve got you’re eye on some beautiful blonde who doesn’t know you exist, but guess what?  When she goes out for Indian food, a few hours later she is spackling the back of the throne with the most disgusting paste of curry and chicken you’ve ever seen.  So what if she turns you down, there are a million pretty girls out there and all you have to do is sack up and find one to sleep with you.

With that pretty picture painted, it’s time for a little advice.  Take it or leave it, the escort number is still good.

Top 10 things you should know to get a girl

All right, I got a little drunk last night and I’m a little wobbly right now.  My ass hurts – goddamn Steve I’ll bet – and I don’t remember a lot, so this may not be the best time to start a blog, but what the shit, here goes.

First off, I have a lot of girlfriends who do porn.  They’re nice girls who make a good living and have cats and stuff so don’t give them any shit.  Anyway, that’s how I pay for this blog and all my fancy stuff I have like a toaster oven.  So when you see a link, it’s porn and you should click it and buy something so I get some money.  If you don’t like porn, go fuck yourself because that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?

You don’t know me, but I’ll give you a little background.  I’m 27, tall, with long auburn hair (at least it is this week). The carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but people tell me I’m smokin’ hot and I believe them.  I’ve had boyfriends, LOTS of them.  Sometimes they only last a night, sometimes I can hang with them for a couple of years, but inevitably they fuck up and lose the best piece of ass they ever had or ever will have.

I’ve got lots of friends and we’re into some kinky shit sometimes, but really I’m an All-American girl.  I grew up in northeastern Ohio, rooting for the Browns and Indians, so I know heartbreak. Don’t talk to me about the fucking Drive or the equally fucked fumble.  But we’ll win someday and then I can stick it straight up all my Patriot friends’ asses.  Anyway, I’ll let you meet some of my friends, maybe later in this post.  First off, you’re probably trying to figure out how to get a girl of your own.  Maybe you’ve loved and lost, maybe you’ve never loved at all, but I’ll share a few tips with you and maybe bust a few myths at the same time.

1. Don’t believe all the bullshit you hear.  Girls do not like guys who are pricks.  They like pricks, just not guys who are pricks.  If you are a prick or a dick or just a fucking jerk, keep walking pal.  Girls like nice guys who pay attention and aren’t always trying to make up for their penal shortcomings.
2. If you want a girl, you have to act like you want her. Walk up to her and say “Hi, Violet.  My name’s Mark. I think you’re nice and would like to go out with you.  How about dinner this weekend?”  Now if her name is April and your name is Stan, I hope you are smart enough to make the switch.  If not, please stop reading now and just head to a whore house, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
3. Do not, I repeat, do not try to think up clever lines.  You are not Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock. For that matter, you probably aren’t Chris Seinfeld or Jerry Rock. Just be nice, pay a compliment, and see what happens.
4. Girls are not a cure for cancer.  If one rejects you, you absolutely will not die. Unless she shoots you, which seems extreme to me.  There is no reason to be nervous. If you’ve never dated this girl, you cannot be in love with her, so it will not break your heart if she says no.  There are lots and lots of girls. Go ask one out.  If she says no, move on.
5. Do not come on too strong.  There are many ways to come on too strong.  Saying “I love you” when you first meet is too strong.  Saying “I’d like to fuck you” is also too strong, plus obnoxious.  Be cool Fonzie.  Just make conversation about chess or scuba diving or how your father used to put his hand down your pants…um, maybe skip that last one.
6. Take a fucking hygiene check. Do flowers wilt as you walk by? Does your breath create a “no burn day” in your little city? Is your mode of transportation powered by your stinky ass farts?  Buy some deodorant and some soap and use a little mouthwash. Bad smells are not cool dude.  I’ve had my tongue in some girls nasty places and it was still better than some of the guys I’ve kissed.
7. Make sure you’re in the right decade.  Are you 30 years old and still wearing your baseball cap backwards and your pants are down around your knees? Nothing screams loser like the man who never grows up.  Grow a pair, hitch up your belt and turn your fucking cap around you grease monkey!
8. Don’t be needy, but don’t ignore her.  If you actually get up the huevos to talk to a pretty girl and she gives you her phone number, there is a fine line between being Forrest Gump and Vinny the Italian Stallion.  Do not run home and call her that night. DO call her within the next couple of days.  Maybe she gave you a fake number, but you’ll never know unless you press those digits.  Ha! I said digits.  Talk about living in the wrong decade.
9. Don’t badmouth the ex.  Assuming you have an ex.  If you don’t, more the better.  Girls don’t want to hear about your other girlfriend.  Talk about US.  Isn’t my hair nice, don’t I smell nice, aren’t my tits humongous?  That type of thing, you know, sweet talk.
10. Just do it baby.  All they can do is say no, and then what do we do?  Just like Fonzie, be cool and move on to the next one. It will work.  Trust me.

Well, I feel like puking and I’m out of things to say anyway.  Click on this link here will you and go buy some shit so I can pay for this website.  It’s probably porn, some girl getting ass-fucked or some shit like that.  If you don’t like that sort of shit, well, I guess there’s no accounting for taste, but I guess you shouldn’t click it.  Maybe go to Mormon.org and sign up there.

Taste you later,

Misty P. Shalimar (the P stands for Pussy)
Dominatrix, Sex Goddess, Horndog

4 sure ways to get a blow job

Whatsa matter Tiger? Girlfriend got no taste for the dick? Is your lovesicle going unlicked? Does your weiner need a warm wet place to call home? Um, in case you’re not getting the references, does your lover refuse to suck you off?

That, my friends, is un-American, and at MistyShalimar.com, the one thing we don’t stand for is something that threatens to bring down our great nation. Sucking cock is what got us where we are today, well, that and ingenuity.  Okay, and hard work.  Can we all agree that sucking cock, ingenuity, and hard work are what made America great?  Good, let’s move on.

I feel for you baby. I love me some dick licking and do it every chance I get.  Some chicks dig guys with tight asses, me, I just want to get that dick in my mouth and treat it like a swizzle stick.  I make love to the little man, listening all the time for what he’s telling me. Does he like it when I roll my tongue around the tip? Am I sucking too hard? Teeth or no teeth?  I hear all he tells me.

I am like the dick whisperer.

Now, as we talked before with the anal, it could be that girls are afraid of the unknown.  If they’ve never given a blow job before, perhaps having seen that thing all purple, veiny, and hard and spurting out creamer all over their 600-thread count sheets has put them off a bit.  Or, perhaps if you would wash down there on occasion (like before every date), the smell of rotten crotch jam wouldn’t drive them away faster than a teenager cums at a Jesse Jane movie.

So instead of thrusting that rod in her face during the heat of passion and whining “c’mon, blow me,” perhaps you should give a little thought to the matter.  Here are three things you can do that may help her come around to your thinking on the whole, “do I put his dick in my mouth” thing.

1. Try and see things from her point of view.  Have you been satisfying her in bed?  If not, why not? Are you going down on her?  Does she like it?  Again with the hygiene, are things as fresh as they could be down there?  Imagine if during the height of lovemaking someone asked you to stuff a rotten banana down your gullet, would you do so willingly? You need to make sure you are treating her right in bed before asking her to do the same for you.
2. Do you exude an air of self-confidence?  Are you comfortable in your sexuality?  I’m not talking about being an arrogant asshole prick who treats everyone like shit.  I’m talking about just being confident in who you are as a man.  Before each date, repeat this mantra “I am a confident, loving man who has much to give” to yourself for about five minutes.  You’ll be surprised at how effective this is and how she will feel differently about you.
3. Offer her money.  No I’m kidding.  No I’m not.  Yes I am.  Actually that’s number 4 if none of the first three work.  What you need to do is explain to her at some point when you’re not having sex why getting a blow job is important to you.  Remember, you are a confident loving man, not a whiny little prick.  Tell her you understand if she’s not comfortable with it right now, but that it is an important part of lovemaking to you.  If it’s a deal breaker for the relationship, it’s better if she is warned ahead of time.
4. Give her something to practice on.  The kids over at Adam and Eve have a whole treasure chest full of dildos and vibrators and what not.  Not only can she practice sucking them off, you both can play with them in your holiest of holies, bringing your climax to a new level.  Practice makes perfect baby, and everyone likes gifts.

Hey, let’s face it, some gals would rather drink sauerkraut juice than face the wrath of a throbbing Mr. Johnson in their pie hole.  If that’s the case and it’s that important to you, remember there are plenty more girls who would love nothing more than to be your little cocktail, you swizzle stick you.

Good luck getting your noodle wet,

Misty P. Shalimar (the P stands for Pussy)
Dominatrix, Sex Goddess, Horndog

How to ask your lover for anal without getting cold cocked

Hello Sperm Spurters,

If you are here reading this shit, you probably watch a lot of porn.  And if you watch a lot of porn, you probably see a lot of anal.  Anal, anal, anal, anal, anal.  “Oh, give me that big steaming cock in my ass.  Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…”

Chicks dig anal, right?

Um, not so much.  At least not unless they’ve had a good experience with it, which is difficult to do if you can’t get them to try it.  Anal is one of the big taboos of sex, of which I can think of four in random order:

1. Anal. It’s an outie, not an innie.
2. Incest. If you do this you’re a sick fuck. Go away.
3. Bestiality. I know it starts with “best” but it’s really not. Not good for you, not good for the sheep.
4. Kiddie Porn.  Again. Sick Fuck. Go Away.

Now of those four, anal is the least tabooish and may be working it’s way off the taboo list altogether.  I personally enjoy anal, although the first time I experienced it I thought I was giving birth to a redwood tree.

My boyfriend at the time, let’s call him Javier  cause that was his name, was pretty spectacularly endowed.  He had been trying to talk me into anal for quite some time, but I resisted.  Hey, it was a big taboo back then, plus I didn’t want him sliding that hog leg way up in my ass.

As with most girls, and people for that matter, we are afraid of the unknown. Hell, even a little regular fucking is scary the first time.  But with the taboo factor and the unknown combined, it’s just a little terrifying.

Well Javier and I went to a party at some friend’s house our senior year in high school.  We each had one of those red cups for the keg, and mine never seemed to be empty, although I was trying my best to drain it.  I knew I was pretty drunk when I went up to my best girlfriend and said in my loudest outside voice, “You are beautiful.  I have always wanted to fuck you so bad.”

We actually did end up fucking a couple of years later, but that’s a different story.  People started laughing at the party, she was embarrassed, and Javier picked me up over his shoulder and carried me out of the room.

You know how you get that feeling that you’re going to puke when you’re really drunk and can’t do anything about it?  Ummm, yeah, I had that.  Javier set me down in the back yard and I unloaded all over some plants. He was nice and held my hair and I remember saying how he was too good for me and I didn’t deserve him and all those drunk bullshit things we say when we don’t know any better.

Apparently he believed that shit, cause I was too drunk to notice he had pulled my shorts and panties off and the next thing I knew he was ramming that rod straight up my ass.  Holy fucking shit, that will sober you up I’ll tell you.  Next time you go out with friends and all of you get too drunk to drive, just pick somebody and have someone with the biggest dick sort their ass cheese out.  They will be sober as a kindergarten teacher in no time.

I think I was too drunk to scream, but man that hurt.  Luckily Javier always had a problem with dumping his load too soon, so he didn’t last very long before filling me with jizz.  So I’m laying in the grass, bare assed, drunk, jizz pouring out of my poop chute and in a whole lot of pain.  Other than that it was a pretty nice party.

I tell you this story for a couple of reasons.  1. Do not ass rape your lover when she’s drunk. Believe me when I tell you this, it will not strengthen your relationship.  2. Somehow, someway, I must have secretly enjoyed having that cock in my heinie, because ass sex is one of my favorite practices now.

Talk to your lover and tell her you would like to try it.  If she freaks out, you’d better just back off because it probably ain’t going to happen.  But talk to her about spicing up the relationship, how you don’t want her to be bored, how everybody else is doing it, blah, blah and maybe one day she’ll let you try it.

When that day happens, make sure you have lubricant and LOTS of it.  Use a silicone based lubricant as it doesn’t dry out as quickly.  Take a lot of time with foreplay to get her in the mood, and then lube her ass and your cock up liberally.  Just insert the tip, and withdraw. Do it again until you get a sense that it’s not hurting her.  Then SLOWLY go a little deeper, rubbing her clitoris while you stroke.  See, she likes it, huh.

If you take it slow, lube her good, and pay attention to her feelings, you might just be an ass fucker for the rest of your life.

Later Taters

Misty P. Shalimar (the P stands for Pussy)
Dominatrix, Sex Goddess, Horndog

Having sex in public can add a little spice to your relationship

Hey boner boys, call me buttah ’cause I’m on a roll.

OMFG.  You can go here and create your own galleries of pussalicious babes.

I was thinking about my spanking post, having a cocktail and listening to the smooth tunes of one Mr. Mel Torme (look it up) when Gia calls me out of nowhere and details her night last night.

It was the usual night, she went out for dinner, had a few drinks, then ended up tied up in a bar, naked, soaked with beer and blowing just about everyone in the place.  Sometimes I think Gia has issues, but who am I to judge?

Gia does this a lot.  Of course, she’s one of the porn stars I talked about earlier.  She’s good people, makes a hell of a lasagna, has a dog AND a cat (both rescues) and gives money to the Salvation Army at Christmas.  She just likes sucking and fucking in public and putting it on the Internet.  Hey, I don’t always sweep up my toenail clippings.  We all got skeletons, am I right?

I don’t go to the extremes Gia does, but I do like having sex in public, especially if there’s a chance I get caught.  I remember this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute… Wait, I may be remembering this wrong. That’s right, I remember now.  I was a chaperone on a school bus.  No, wait, I fucked our chaperone on the school bus while everyone watched.  That’s it.  Old Mr. Slappydick, sigh, I wonder what ever became of him? He was bald on top and hairy all over, but he had a good heart.

Getting horny yet? Yeah, probably not. Go here if you want to really get your rocks off.

There’s all different kind of ways to have sex in public. You and your lover can just get it on in the back seat of your Aston Martin in the parking garage (although if you can afford an Aston Martin, I’m thinking you could probably swing your own garage).

If you don’t have a lover, you could hang out at the women’s restroom, waiting to get lucky.  Or you could use this thing called the Innernet? Intraweb? Instanet?  You know, that thing you used to find this.  Search for “hot public sex” in the city of your choice.  Who knows, you might just find George Michael willing to pluck your anal cherry.

Too far?  Yeah, I know, sometimes I go to far.  Just go get a girl and fuck her on the beach but make sure you take a blanket in case the cops come by.  Oh, and you might need some of this as well.  That sand can be murder on a guy’s junk.

Later doodies

Misty P. Shalimar (the P stands for Pussy)
Dominatrix, Sex Goddess, Horndog

And now, a word about spanking during sex

Hello my throbbing globs of testosterone,

Let me just say that the world officially went to shit in a handcart when people stopped spanking their kids.  No Billy, put the gun down or I’m going to have to put you in timeout.  Give me a fucking break. I’m not in favor of people beating the snot out of their kids, but a firm hand on the rump gets their attention a lot faster than a time out will.

Having said that, this post has nothing to do with spanking kids.  It has to do with spanking me. Spanking during sex turns me on more than washboard abs, more than a vibrator, more than having both holes filled at once with refugees from a Mexican drug cartel (not that I’d know anything about that).

There’s something about the sharp slap on my rump once I’m already getting a little heated up that turns up the excitement a little. Now, I’m not advocating you take your girl and surprise her with a good slap on the ass.  Some chicks don’t dig that and you’ll be pulling your pants up as she kicks your butt out the door.  But if you have a good healthy relationship, you can talk to her about it and see if she’d be interested.

A good place to start is to watch some good spanking porn and see how excited they get. Some good stuff is available here, so check it out.

Personally, I was introduced to spanking about eight years ago by this older guy who actually taught me a lot of things, including not to trust older guys. He was pretty fit and firm and was really into my ass. We were rolling around in a field one day, just us, the grass, the butterflies and an unexpected Church van that drove by (that was embarassing), when he said “Misty, you’re a bad girl.” I was about to tell him to eff off, when he spanked my ass with a good slap.

I was more shocked than anything and I started giggling.  But then he held me down and gave me a few more swats.  My ass was really starting to sting and I could tell it was turning red. Tears came to my eyes and I begged him to stop, but really wanted more. He could tell that (he was a pretty smart old fuck) and alternated between spanking me and rubbing my clit.  Let me tell you, a few minutes of that and I was way ready to POP. He stuck that old man dick in me and I was seeing stars.  It was one of the best orgasms of my life.

But like I say, it’s not for everyone.  Check out a little porn to see how it’s done and maybe it will work for you.

Adios les testicles.  Until we meet again.

Misty P. Shalimar (the P stands for Pussy)
Dominatrix, Sex Goddess, Horndog

3 Ways to Give any Woman an Orgasm she’ll Always Remember

Hello Babycakes,

It’s me again. Time for a little tutoring on how to have great sex that BOTH of you will enjoy.  It really pisses me off, I spend a couple of

hours putting on makeup, cleaning the dust off the old high heels and making myself real purty.  Then I go to the bar, scout out the potential breeders and decide on one.  Like last night, this guy was pretty studly looking, didn’t have any gold chains and when I got close to him he smelled good, so it stood to reason that he knew what he was doing.  After a few drinks and dances we head back to his place and start the smooching.  One thing leads to another; we’re both naked, he climbs on top, pumps a few times and explodes into me and I’m laying there like an asshole.  What just happened?

Meanwhile, Casanova is snoring soundly and I have to stroke myself to get off. I’m telling you, IT JUST AIN’T RIGHT!  But the good news is there are ways for you to make your lady come that don’t take a whole lot of effort.  It’s good for her, it’s good for you and IT’S FUN!

Learn the secrets of the guy who discovered the INSTANT orgasm!

You would think that making a female reach orgasm would  when you sleep with them would be of the utmost importance to men, even higher than your own sexual needs. But  how do you give a woman an orgasm each and every time? Is there a special technique, a magic touch, or is it in the lap of the Gods whether or not she makes that elusive “O” face (and actually means it!)  The only face I was making last night was “O, you have got to be kidding me!”

Before we get into the techniques – the science behind female sexual gratification – let’s first have a quick look at the subject of orgasms as a whole.

The male climax, which combines ejaculation with an orgasm, is – unless a guy has got something pretty seriously wrong with him – a foregone conclusion in sex. When you guys cum it’s usually the end of the deal, so you use the length of time from when you started to when you shoot your load as a measuring stick as to how well you performed. Whether you last as long as you’d like, or do all the things you set out to do, you’re always sure of a hole shot at the end that makes it all worthwhile.

We ladies are not the same at all.  Not only is our genitalia an “inny” as opposed to your “outie,” but whether we achieve an orgasm is entirely dependant on a bunch of different things, including but not limited to: the guy’s sexual ability, the female’s knowledge of how her body works, and our mood at the time of sex. Then you have the additional problem of our faking orgasms just to help your poor little egos.  There, I said it, we do fake orgasms.  We can’t wait forever for you to get your shit together you know. All combined, giving a girl an orgasm – and realizing that you have – is usually a tricky business for most guys.

But there ARE things you can do to ensure you stand the absolute best chance of bringing your lover or lovers to the highest possible climax. These are things most men never hear of or, if they do, never try.

Bringing a girl to orgasm doesn’t have to be such a big deal. Just follow these techniques and she’ll scream your name every time.

1. PROPER BUILD-UP. Touching the mind is just as important as touching the body when it comes to sexual stimulation. Men either forget or don’t know about this balance of the mental and physical, and go full bore sticking your thingy in her hooty, pumping away like you’re putting out a fire. Start slow and gradually intensify the attention you give the girl and the actions you perform. Begin intercourse slowly, moving the angle of the insertion up and down. This accomplishes a couple of things. It warms your lover up and allows her vagina to totally accept your monster penis (at least that’s what you think). Second, if you pay attention you will see what speed and angle are most pleasurable for her. Listen to her, watch her, and build the pleasure within both of you.

2. DISPLAY YOUR FOCUS. Show her how much you want to please her.  This does not make you a pussy, it makes you a caring, attentive lover. When you show how much you care about her, a few things happen. The most important thing that happens is you fire her up emotionally and mentally.  This is really important. Second, you start to communicate. She should tell you what’s working and what isn’t.  Don’t get your feelings hurt! Take it as a learning experience. Remember, the harder you focus on what you’re trying to do, the better chance you have of getting her off.

3. DOUBLE STIMULATION. This may come as a shock, but just the mere fact of your penis being inside us is not enough to bring most women to an orgasm. We need our clitoris stimulated. Using SLOW hands and a LIGHT touch, try rubbing her clit with a light motion, in a circular manner, while you’re stroking your penis in and out, slowly, changing the angles like we talked about before.  Once you get her going, then you can pick up the pace.  Don’t worry, you’ll know when!

So remember:

1. Take it slow
2. Watch for her reactions
3. Show her you care about her
4. Vary the action

This obviously isn’t going to take you from zero to hero overnight, but it will be a good start. If you want to learn more about becoming the ultimate lover, check this site out.  Remember, the more you buy the more I can help you. Misty’s gotta eat!

Ciao Master Strokers!

Misty P. Shalimar (the P stands for Pussy)
Dominatrix, Sex Goddess, Horndog