Hey boner boys, call me buttah ’cause I’m on a roll.
OMFG. You can go here and create your own galleries of pussalicious babes.
I was thinking about my spanking post, having a cocktail and listening to the smooth tunes of one Mr. Mel Torme (look it up) when Gia calls me out of nowhere and details her night last night.
It was the usual night, she went out for dinner, had a few drinks, then ended up tied up in a bar, naked, soaked with beer and blowing just about everyone in the place. Sometimes I think Gia has issues, but who am I to judge?
Gia gets in some strange fixes. If you're 18 and can stomach it, click on the pic to see similar shenanigans.
Gia does this a lot. Of course, she’s one of the porn stars I talked about earlier. She’s good people, makes a hell of a lasagna, has a dog AND a cat (both rescues) and gives money to the Salvation Army at Christmas. She just likes sucking and fucking in public and putting it on the Internet. Hey, I don’t always sweep up my toenail clippings. We all got skeletons, am I right?
I don’t go to the extremes Gia does, but I do like having sex in public, especially if there’s a chance I get caught. I remember this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute… Wait, I may be remembering this wrong. That’s right, I remember now. I was a chaperone on a school bus. No, wait, I fucked our chaperone on the school bus while everyone watched. That’s it. Old Mr. Slappydick, sigh, I wonder what ever became of him? He was bald on top and hairy all over, but he had a good heart.
Getting horny yet? Yeah, probably not. Go here if you want to really get your rocks off.
There’s all different kind of ways to have sex in public. You and your lover can just get it on in the back seat of your Aston Martin in the parking garage (although if you can afford an Aston Martin, I’m thinking you could probably swing your own garage).
If you don’t have a lover, you could hang out at the women’s restroom, waiting to get lucky. Or you could use this thing called the Innernet? Intraweb? Instanet? You know, that thing you used to find this. Search for “hot public sex” in the city of your choice. Who knows, you might just find George Michael willing to pluck your anal cherry.
Too far? Yeah, I know, sometimes I go to far. Just go get a girl and fuck her on the beach but make sure you take a blanket in case the cops come by. Oh, and you might need some of this as well. That sand can be murder on a guy’s junk.
Later doodies
M
Hello my throbbing globs of testosterone,
Let me just say that the world officially went to shit in a handcart when people stopped spanking their kids. No Billy, put the gun down or I’m going to have to put you in timeout. Give me a fucking break. I’m not in favor of people beating the snot out of their kids, but a firm hand on the rump gets their attention a lot faster than a time out will.
Having said that, this post has nothing to do with spanking kids. It has to do with spanking me. Spanking during sex turns me on more than washboard abs, more than a vibrator, more than having both holes filled at once with refugees from a Mexican drug cartel (not that I’d know anything about that).
Uh, oh. Someone's getting an ass whipping... Click on the picture to go see what happens next.
There’s something about the sharp slap on my rump once I’m already getting a little heated up that turns up the excitement a little. Now, I’m not advocating you take your girl and surprise her with a good slap on the ass. Some chicks don’t dig that and you’ll be pulling your pants up as she kicks your butt out the door. But if you have a good healthy relationship, you can talk to her about it and see if she’d be interested.
Personally, I was introduced to spanking about eight years ago by this older guy who actually taught me a lot of things, including not to trust older guys. He was pretty fit and firm and was really into my ass. We were rolling around in a field one day, just us, the grass, the butterflies and an unexpected Church van that drove by (that was embarassing), when he said “Misty, you’re a bad girl.” I was about to tell him to eff off, when he spanked my ass with a good slap.
I was more shocked than anything and I started giggling. But then he held me down and gave me a few more swats. My ass was really starting to sting and I could tell it was turning red. Tears came to my eyes and I begged him to stop, but really wanted more. He could tell that (he was a pretty smart old fuck) and alternated between spanking me and rubbing my clit. Let me tell you, a few minutes of that and I was way ready to POP. He stuck that old man dick in me and I was seeing stars. It was one of the best orgasms of my life.
But like I say, it’s not for everyone. Check out a little porn to see how it’s done and maybe it will work for you.
Adios les testicles. Until we meet again.
M
Hello Babycakes,
It’s me again. Time for a little tutoring on how to have great sex that BOTH of you will enjoy. It really pisses me off, I spend a couple of hours putting on makeup, cleaning the dust off the old high heels and making myself real purty. Then I go to the bar, scout out the potential breeders and decide on one. Like last night, this guy was pretty studly looking, didn’t have any gold chains and when I got close to him he smelled good, so it stood to reason that he knew what he was doing. After a few drinks and dances we head back to his place and start the smooching. One thing leads to another; we’re both naked, he climbs on top, pumps a few times and explodes into me and I’m laying there like an asshole. What just happened?
Yeah, this pretty much is how my night went
Meanwhile, Casanova is snoring soundly and I have to stroke myself to get off. I’m telling you, IT JUST AIN’T RIGHT! But the good news is there are ways for you to make your lady come that don’t take a whole lot of effort. It’s good for her, it’s good for you and IT’S FUN!
Learn the secrets of the guy who discovered the INSTANT orgasm!
You would think that making a female reach orgasm would when you sleep with them would be of the utmost importance to men, even higher than your own sexual needs. But how do you give a woman an orgasm each and every time? Is there a special technique, a magic touch, or is it in the lap of the Gods whether or not she makes that elusive “O” face (and actually means it!) The only face I was making last night was “O, you have got to be kidding me!”
Before we get into the techniques – the science behind female sexual gratification – let’s first have a quick look at the subject of orgasms as a whole.
This IS NOT the face I was making last night
The male climax, which combines ejaculation with an orgasm, is – unless a guy has got something pretty seriously wrong with him – a foregone conclusion in sex. When you guys cum it’s usually the end of the deal, so you use the length of time from when you started to when you shoot your load as a measuring stick as to how well you performed. Whether you last as long as you’d like, or do all the things you set out to do, you’re always sure of a hole shot at the end that makes it all worthwhile.
We ladies are not the same at all. Not only is our genitalia an “inny” as opposed to your “outie,” but whether we achieve an orgasm is entirely dependant on a bunch of different things, including but not limited to: the guy’s sexual ability, the female’s knowledge of how her body works, and our mood at the time of sex. Then you have the additional problem of our faking orgasms just to help your poor little egos. There, I said it, we do fake orgasms. We can’t wait forever for you to get your shit together you know. All combined, giving a girl an orgasm – and realizing that you have – is usually a tricky business for most guys.
But there ARE things you can do to ensure you stand the absolute best chance of bringing your lover or lovers to the highest possible climax. These are things most men never hear of or, if they do, never try.
1. PROPER BUILD-UP. Touching the mind is just as important as touching the body when
I'm almost having an orgasm just looking at her. Toys can help too you know.
it comes to sexual stimulation. Men either forget or don’t know about this balance of the mental and physical, and go full bore sticking your thingy in her hooty, pumping away like you’re putting out a fire. Start slow and gradually intensify the attention you give the girl and the actions you perform. Begin intercourse slowly, moving the angle of the insertion up and down. This accomplishes a couple of things. It warms your lover up and allows her vagina to totally accept your monster penis (at least that’s what you think). Second, if you pay attention you will see what speed and angle are most pleasurable for her. Listen to her, watch her, and build the pleasure within both of you.
2. DISPLAY YOUR FOCUS. Show her how much you want to please her. This does not make you a pussy, it makes you a caring, attentive lover. When you show how much you care about her, a few things happen. The most important thing that happens is you fire her up emotionally and mentally. This is really important. Second, you start to communicate. She should tell you what’s working and what isn’t. Don’t get your feelings hurt! Take it as a learning experience. Remember, the harder you focus on what you’re trying to do, the better chance you have of getting her off.
3. DOUBLE STIMULATION. This may come as a shock, but just the mere fact of your penis being inside us is not enough to bring most women to an orgasm. We need our clitoris stimulated. Using SLOW hands and a LIGHT touch, try rubbing her clit with a light motion, in a circular manner, while you’re stroking your penis in and out, slowly, changing the angles like we talked about before. Once you get her going, then you can pick up the pace. Don’t worry, you’ll know when!
So remember:
- Take it slow
- Watch for her reactions
- Show her you care about her
- Vary the action
This obviously isn’t going to take you from zero to hero overnight, but it will be a good start. If you want to learn more about becoming the ultimate lover, check this site out. Remember, the more you buy the more I can help you. Misty’s gotta eat!
Ciao Master Strokers!
Hello Bitches,
Just a quick note to tell you about my evening. I was just hanging out at the Vig with my BFF Flower. Yes, her parents were hippies, what can I tell you? We were in a margarita mood and after about the fourth one I didn’t notice the afternoon had turned into evening and we hadn’t eaten yet. I was a little woozy so I had the carne asada and potato pancakes. I ate the shit out of that. Think I got a little of the plate as well. I just let out my last belch when this little guy comes over and tells me he likes a classy girl.
My friend Flower is a real pisser
Well, that made both of us laugh and before we knew it the little prick had climbed up in the booth beside me. His name was Winston or Winton, wait, maybe it was Tom… As I say, I was more than a little drunk, but he was funny as shit. He had this whole routine about trying to use a urinal in the men’s room. Funny, it’s the little things you take for granted, not that I’ve used a urinal, at least not very many times.
So we’re drinking and laughing and Flower flat ass passes out. I mean she is stone cold OUT. We try to wake her up, but no go. I was pretty drunk myself, but luckily Tom hadn’t drank that much. We load her up in the back of his van (believe me, Silence of the Lambs did come to mind, but I figured I could whip his ass) and head back to my place.
We drag her into the living room and put her on the couch, and Tom and I start getting a little frisky. I had no intention of balling him, but he was cute and nice and I didn’t mind giving him a little under the shirt action.
So we’re getting into it and I open my eyes and there is Flower buck ass naked standing over us. “Get away from him bitch,” she yelled. “He’s all mine.”
Hey, like I said, I was just having a little fun. Flower gets pretty possessive when she’s drunk. So I roll out of the way and she is on him like salsa on a burrito. Before the poor little man know what hit him, she had his cock out and was sucking him off.
First off, let me tell you that his dick was not at all proportionate to his size. This little fucker had one monster boner, which kind of made me rethink the not fucking him part. So it doesn’t take long before they’re both naked and abusing the new wool rug I just got at Costco. I’m thinking how I’m going to get cum stains out of it while Tom is really deflowering poor Flower. Poor Flower my ass, she was LOVING IT. For somebody who was passed out a few minutes ago, she is really into it, thrusting those hips and screaming. I was about ready to shove a pillow in her face! I was afraid the neighbors were going to call the cops.
So she’s having a screaming orgasm and is just about done, when Tom pulls that monster cock out and just starts pissing all over her! All I could think about was my rug, but I was so shocked at the sight of that little dude pissing I couldn’t say anything.
Then Flower is really getting into this. She opens her mouth and starts drinking his piss. It was really pretty disgusting, but kind of a turn on as well. So I’m rubbing myself and getting wet and then Flower stands up and starts pissing on Tom. Fuck that, that’s just sick. I went to bed and when I came out in the morning they were both gone and my rug wound up in the dumpster.
You’re on the honor system boys, don’t fuck it up.
Ciao fuckwads
M
All right, I got a little drunk last night and I’m a little wobbly right now. My ass hurts – goddamn Steve I’ll bet – and I don’t remember a lot, so this may not be the best time to start a blog, but what the shit, here goes.
This is my friend Beretta. She likes pain.
First off, I have a lot of girlfriends who do porn. They’re nice girls who make a good living and have cats and stuff so don’t give them any shit. Anyway, that’s how I pay for this blog and all my fancy stuff I have like a toaster oven. So when you see a link, it’s porn and you should click it and buy something so I get some money. If you don’t like porn, go fuck yourself because that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
You don’t know me, but I’ll give you a little background. I’m 27, tall, with long auburn hair (at least it is this week). The carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but people tell me I’m smokin’ hot and I believe them. I’ve had boyfriends, LOTS of them. Sometimes they only last a night, sometimes I can hang with them for a couple of years, but inevitably they fuck up and lose the best piece of ass they ever had or ever will have.
I’ve got lots of friends and we’re into some kinky shit sometimes, but really I’m an All-American girl. I grew up in northeastern Ohio, rooting for the Browns and Indians, so I know heartbreak. Don’t talk to me about the fucking Drive or the equally fucked fumble. But we’ll win someday and then I can stick it straight up all my Patriot friends’ asses. Anyway, I’ll let you meet some of my friends, maybe later in this post. First off, you’re probably trying to figure out how to get a girl of your own. Maybe you’ve loved and lost, maybe you’ve never loved at all, but I’ll share a few tips with you and maybe bust a few myths at the same time.
- Don’t believe all the bullshit you hear. Girls do not like guys who are pricks. They like pricks, just not guys who are pricks. If you are a prick or a dick or just a fucking jerk, keep walking pal. Girls like nice guys who pay attention and aren’t always trying to make up for their penal shortcomings.
- If you want a girl, you have to act like you want her. Walk up to her and say “Hi, Violet. My name’s Mark. I think you’re nice and would like to go out with you. How about dinner this weekend?” Now if her name is April and your name is Stan, I hope you are smart enough to make the switch. If not, please stop reading now and just head to a whore house, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
- Do not, I repeat, do not try to think up clever lines. You are not Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock. For that matter, you probably aren’t Chris Seinfeld or Jerry Rock. Just be nice, pay a compliment, and see what happens.
- Girls are not a cure for cancer. If one rejects you, you absolutely will not die. Unless she shoots you, which seems extreme to me. There is no reason to be nervous. If you’ve never dated this girl, you cannot be in love with her, so it will not break your heart if she says no. There are lots and lots of girls. Go ask one out. If she says no, move on.
- Do not come on too strong. There are many ways to come on too strong. Saying “I love you” when you first meet is too strong. Saying “I’d like to fuck you” is also too strong, plus obnoxious. Be cool Fonzie. Just make conversation about chess or scuba diving or how your father used to put his hand down your pants…um, maybe skip that last one.
- Take a fucking hygiene check. Do flowers wilt as you walk by? Does your breath create a “no burn day” in your little city? Is your mode of transportation powered by your stinky ass farts? Buy some deodorant and some soap and use a little mouthwash. Bad smells are not cool dude. I’ve had my tongue in some girls nasty places and it was still better than some of the guys I’ve kissed.
- Make sure you’re in the right decade. Are you 30 years old and still wearing your baseball cap backwards and your pants are down around your knees? Nothing screams loser like the man who never grows up. Grow a pair, hitch up your belt and turn your fucking cap around you grease monkey!
- Don’t be needy, but don’t ignore her. If you actually get up the huevos to talk to a pretty girl and she gives you her phone number, there is a fine line between being Forrest Gump and Vinny the Italian Stallion. Do not run home and call her that night. DO call her within the next couple of days. Maybe she gave you a fake number, but you’ll never know unless you press those digits. Ha! I said digits. Talk about living in the wrong decade.
- Don’t badmouth the ex. Assuming you have an ex. If you don’t, more the better. Girls don’t want to hear about your other girlfriend. Talk about US. Isn’t my hair nice, don’t I smell nice, aren’t my tits humongous? That type of thing, you know, sweet talk.
- Just do it baby. All they can do is say no, and then what do we do? Just like Fonzie, be cool and move on to the next one. It will work. Trust me.
Well, I feel like puking and I’m out of things to say anyway. Click on this link here will you and go buy some shit so I can pay for this website. It’s probably porn, some girl getting ass-fucked or some shit like that. If you don’t like that sort of shit, well, I guess there’s no accounting for taste, but I guess you shouldn’t click it. Maybe go to Mormon.org and sign up there. Taste you later.